…When I Got My Dallas Trading Cards From E-bay and They Smelled Weird

I know they’re old (circa 1982), but what rotting corpse coat pocket did the seller pull these out of? I’m gonna run them home and spray them with the last of my Calkin Klein Obsession before I start on the hand-crafted hickory display case. My favorite card is the one of Linda Gray, at the height of her tragically fragile, lower-lip pouting Sue Ellen beauty, wearing her whsipy colored polka-dot Ann Taylor dress while she fingers her slut of a sister Kristin for plugging her varmit husband in the Ewing Oil building, in an epsiode that simultaneously made me want to work in television and started me on my two-years-in-the-making “Dallas scrapbook,” which really distinguished me from all the other kids in my fifth grade class, let me tell you!

Right now, SoapNet is airing Season 11, and I’m of course taping every episode, but the show has long since fallen from its height of taut pot-boiler storytelling. JR ends up marrying some little 20 year old trailer trash harpie, Sue Ellen becomes a movie producer (huh?), and in the never-ending mission to drive younger and younger demographics to their television sets, the producers make the brilliant decision to add George Kennedy to the cast… GEORGE KENNEDY!!, who was like ninety years old when he made Airport ’73! He grumbles around with some mysterious chip on his shoulder for half a season, steals all the water from the Southfork Ranch, and then basically goes on to stink up the last three years of the show, with help from late additions Susan Lucci and Barbara Eden. It’s getting harder and harder to sit through these episodes, even skimming through the commercials. Sorry, Lar.

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