…When Michael is with Me at Starbucks Trying to Deprogram Years and Years of My Self-Inflicted Punishment Rituals

While David Lee Roth is loudly going down in flames as Howard Stern’s replacement in New York, there seems to be little to no buzz on his former band-mate Eddie Van Halen, seemingly always the “together” one, whose most recent red-carpet pic made the rounds at the Secret offices and a small dent in internet traffic but not much more. Take a look:

There don’t really seem to be a lot of ways to explain this one, though the true horror of it really seems to be coming from only two sources – the bad teeth and the unkepmt hair. I’ve had friends who have lost all their teeth in their thirties and forties, and yes they were the ones who spent all their twenties in the alley behind the bars with the fellas who would inexplicably get bloody noses now and again. Despite all of this, it was years before it finally became clear to me that these were the results of raging, massive drug abuse. I like to think I’ve been around the block, but really I think nearly everyone I’ve met has experimented with drugs more than I have. I had a single bad shroom experience back in my twenties that left me wandering the streets of Beverly Hills for an entire night thinking I was going to die (with Steve trailing behind me to make sure I didn’t) and that was enough to scare me off anything more than the occasional bong hit, and the more than occasional Bottle of Ketel. Long story shot – Eddie, get yourself some fucking dentures. They’re easily manageable, I’m sure your insurance will cover them, and you can pop them in and out using just your tongue – kids will be fascinated.

Now, on to the hair. I know it’s a big aging rock star thing to hang on to whatever wavering strands you still have sprouting from your scalp, but YOU ARE EDDIE VAN HALEN! It’s not like you were a member of White Lion or Warrant, or some other three-chord warbling band whose sound was on par with that of a cow in the midst of a bowel movement. You’re an A-list senior standing member of the rock establishment, and it’s ok that YOUR HAIR IS NO LONGER LUSH AND RAMAPNT. David Lee Roth cut it off! Jon Bon Jovi cut it! For the love of God even Michael Bolton cut it! Ten minutes with a flobie and you’ll cease to look like you’re trying to entice Ariel to sell you her voice.

You know, I was always secretly pulling for the Van Halen-Bertinelli marriage to survive because it was such an unlikely pairing, and they did last for quite some time, but Eddie, you don’t just wake up and look like a shiftless, pandering rail-walker. I sure hope you get your shit together.


2 Responses to “…When Michael is with Me at Starbucks Trying to Deprogram Years and Years of My Self-Inflicted Punishment Rituals”

  1. the van halen pic reminds me of witch hazel.


    david lee is here in dallas too. it’d be crazy for anyone to expect him to be as popular as stern, especially with no experience. but the show and his performance has gotten better. i think the big initial turn off was that he (or bosses) actually tried to do a talk show. oprah doesn’t do radio and limbaugh didn’t last long on tv. radio requires a know it all like limbaugh or likus, or a bantering team.


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