Archive for December, 2006

Someone Knocked Up My Platy

Posted in Uncategorized on December 29, 2006 by Tv Food and Drink

I have a platy that appears to be pregnant. The little slut. MG was the first to notice that she seemed a little big around the middle, but it’s hard to tell because everytime I go to look at her, she looks right back at me, making it nearly impossible to get a good view at her from the side. It’s quite fustrating. I’m nearly at the point where I’m gonna reach in and pull the little bitch out by the tail so I can get a gander.

The platy gestation perion is about a month, so I’ll have to just wait and see. On-line pages are totally useless in helping me decide for sure. Could be overfeeding, could be a parasite, could be stress, could be my dishwashing detergent.

Apparently, as the tramp gets closer to bringing forth its demon seed, its flesh will become so transparent I’ll actually be able to see the eyes inside of her. Freaky! I hope it’s the case. Every time I get a new platy the salesperson warns me that babies are sure to come – a lot of them, but after six months, all of them appear to be either barren, gay, or lazy.


There’s a Nicely Formed Hostess Cupcake in my Parking Garage

Posted in Uncategorized on December 28, 2006 by Tv Food and Drink

I was actually going to refer to it as “pristine” but after looking over these pictures, I realize that wouldn’t fly on E-bay, so it shouldn’t be allowed to fly here.

I was just walking down to throw out my previous night’s empty Stoli bottles, and there it was, clear as day! It’s just a few inches away from the back tire of my building manager’s car – the building manager who instead of installing an exhaust fan over my stove, allows it to remain capped at the top with duct tape, leading to a kitchen that smells like my Monday meal until at least Thursday, and paints a coat of grime and grease from the ceiling to the floor.

“Eat me! Eat me! I’m still good,” the little cuppy pleaded…

For it’s placement, and composure, it certainly doesn’t look like it just fell out of someone’s Safeway bag. This really looks like intentional placement, frosting side up, vanilla swirly-swirls undaunted by human hands, ever so close to the back tire of the car that belongs to my building manager, who pulled my fire alarms out of the ceiling and left them on the floor of my living room because they always go off to alarm me to the ever-increasing clouds of smoke that accumulate in my kitchen and filter into every room in the house whenever I am frying up buffalo burgers for a quick snack.

But look at the placement. Was someone trying to be cute here?

Much like the search for quality real estate, the placement of a Hostess cupcake when used as a prop in a larger prank relies on one thing – LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

Which is why it was a good thing I found the wayward little snackcake, and gave it the re-positining it so desperately deserved…

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…directly under the tire of the car that belongs to my building manager, who refuses to fix my garbage disposal whenever I actually put garbage down it, because according to him, it’s not for “food” it’s for “scraps,” AND who gives me crap when I leave my empty car wash bucket under the back stairs for a day when he hasn’t hosed down the filthy steps that lead to our apartment doors in ages AND who was apparently needing to work through something really severe the night he screamed at me in the doorway for leaving restaurant menus at the bottom of the landing, when there is of course, no way of knowing who might have done so since they don’t have address labels on them.

Well, I’m laughing, even if you aren’t.

This isn’t very Christian of me, is it.

Ari Gold On

Posted in Uncategorized on December 22, 2006 by Tv Food and Drink

Visit Ari’s official wesbite here, and be sure to watch through the end of the clip and find out what oh so familiar commercial jingles from your childhood Ari had a hand in creating!

In Honor of Nearly Disgraced Miss USA, Tara Conner…

Posted in Uncategorized on December 22, 2006 by Tv Food and Drink

I present an encore of my July post when I watched her compete in the the Miss Universe pageant! Enjoy


First Runner up my ass! Miss Japan, Kurara Chibana was my choice from the beginning. Well, at least she walked away with the Best National Costume Award, which everyone knows is just as good.

Thanks to my good friend, RumBunny, for taking this pic with her cel phone. I had to push a female Argentinian news reporter out of my way so she could get a good shot.

Ten Things I Learned at the Miss Universe Pageant

1.) In an effort to sound less sexist, the contestants are no longer referred to with the title “Miss.” But this oddly made the proceedings rather dehumanizing as Nancy O’Dell and Carlos Ponce (hot!) were forced into objectifying declarations such as, “Korea, come over here!” and “Take a good look… this is Ghana!”

2.) Impressed with the fancy Miss Universe contestant choreography? Don’t be. As they parade back and forth, revolving around one another, there’s a guy at the edge of the stage with a microphone barking out, “Step! Step! Turn! Stop! Step! Step!” I don’t know how that isn’t heard during the broadcast.

There’s also another guy right behind the camerman who wears white gloves and gives them hand gestures indicating when to walk, when to turn, when to stop, etc. He also gives an overly-broad double hand-sweep to the women who have just been eliminated to get the fuck off the stage and line up for their Cover Girl consolation gift bags.

3.) The opening “parade of the contestatns in their native garbs” montage was pre-taped at an earlier time, which sucked because I would have loved to have seen Miss Japan in her sexy ninja outfit and Miss USA in her naughty horse jockey with riding crop ensemble (though I’d hoped she’d be dressed as a giant firecracker like something out of Grease 2). I’m not even sure if that part was taped the same day, though we did see playback on the screens. The show is only “live” once they announce the final twenty, which has been decided before the broadcast begins by a preliminary judging panel.

And speaking of judges… a briefcase model from Deal or No Deal? Pete Sampras’s wife? I’m sorry. Was the kid from Free Willy otherwise engaged?

4.) Nancy O’Dell never smiles unless the camera is on her. My sister thought she was pissed off about something, or maybe she was just getting her monthly bill. I stepped on the back of her dress at the VIP party and left a footprint on it.

5.) You can purchase Barbie-sized versions of the contestants in the lobby along with plastic tiaras and crowns, which I totally would have snapped up except my sister forgot to bring money for parking and I had to pony up. There are also all kinds of skanky mini-pageant winners in the audience wearing their crowns and their “Miss Southwest Vegetarian” and “Miss Teen San Joaquin Valley” sashes.

6.) There were LOTS of tipsy middle-aged men in cheap tuxes who, at every commerical break, would rush to the edge of the stage with their digital cameras and snap away at all the babes, tongues wagging, adding a classy “titty bar” touch to the whole affair.

7.) You can be blond, big-titted and spit out the threat “I’m with Trump. You don’t want to do this to me!” as much as you want, but if you ain’t got a VIP wristband, you ain’t getting to the bar.

8.) Sorry, but TARA CONNER, Miss USA was a total plate head. Granted, it’s hard to look good when you’re asked “What is your greatest flaw?” but when they asked what the most inspiring place she’d ever visited was, she could have lied and said Tibet or Jerusalem or the house where Anne Frank hid. Those would have all gone over big. Instead, she said the most inspiring place she’d ever visited was… wait for it… Lake Tahoe!

I was never more ready to surrender my citizenship.

9.) My sister gave Dr. Julian Omidi, aka Dr. 90210 passes to the after-after party at The Standard Hotel and he thanked her, then told her she should come into his office sometime and he’ll “do something” for her, which for half a second, didn’t sound like “You need work done.”

And number 10… Okay, I didn’t actually learn ten whole things, but it’s the Miss Universe pageant for god’s sake! How much am I expected to take away from it?

And by the way, just for the record, my sister is very pretty and would have known how to answer the “most inspiring place you’ve ever visited” question with far more style and grace then Miss USA did, even if she’d been dressed up like a firecracker!