The Oscars: The Worst of the Best


Rotten Tomatoes has released its ranking of all 79 Oscars winners for Best Picture from worst to best, based on critical consensus, and has named The Greatest Show on Earth as the Worst Best Picture ever!

“The Greatest Show on Earth is melodramatic, short on plot, excessively lengthy and bogged down with clichés, but not without a certain innocent charm.”

This is sure to wipe Britney off homepages around the globe!

Has anyone ever seen this movie? Is it about a circus? Did a movie about the circus actually take home an Oscar for Best Picture?

Anyway, I have to work Sunday during the Oscars, so I don’t feel real compelled to put in much effort at the job right now. Plus, Rotten Tomatoes takes a long time to jump from one page to the next, and each one of these films is on its own page (boy they’ll be racking up the stats), so I’ll take you through the high(low)lights.

Of the bottom ten pictures listed, I don’t think I’ve seen any. Sure, I’ve heard of The Great Ziegfeld but weren’t there a bunch of those Follies type movies made that also had the word Ziegfeld in the title? Aren’t they all pretty much the same… overhead shots of chorus girls in a circle with feather boas over their heads and then… boom! They drop their boas down to the floor so it looks like some goofy oversized flower opening up? That’s the oldest trick in the book

Crash is number 74! God, no one’s ever gonna get me to watch that movie. I wasn’t all Brokeback or anything, but no movie with Sandra Bullock in it should ever win anything.

#72 – Forrest Gump – “An overly sentimental film with a somewhat problematic message, but its sweetness and charm are occasionally enough to approximate true depth and grace.” Laura hates this flick. She refers to it as “that lame movie where Tom Hanks is ugly and stupid and he grows a long beard and runs all the way to Vietnam.”

#64 – Driving Miss Daisy – Everyone knocks this movie and Jessica Tandy for winning, but whenever I catch this movie playing on TBS, I always sit down and watch it, no matter how much of it I’ve missed. of course, I do the same thing with My Fellow Americans and A Very Brady Sequel so maybe I don’t have much of a point.

#62 – Gigi – “Gaston, do you make love all the time?” (That’s for Laura)

#53 – The English Patient. I spent two and a half hours counting the teeny tiny light bulbs embedded in the floor of the theatre aisles. I’ll cover my tongue in honey and staple it to a beehive before I watch this cow stool again.

#52 – How Green Was My Valley – I took my friends Sean and Kirk to see this movie about a Welsh mining town because I love it so much, and they snickered through the whole thing! I’ve hated and looked down a little at Sean ever since. If you have a chance, rent it. It’ll be the best 5 hours of your life.

#50 – Ordinary People – This is one of those movies that I’ve only seen once and don’t plan on ever seeing again. Even though I loved it, it’s an ordeal – Mary Tyler Moore is a frigid bitch, Donald Sutherland is a eunoch, and Timothy Hutton wins an Oscar for barking through the family photo session. Creepy and sad. I don’t want to know that families like this exist.

#42 – American Beauty – Really good. Impressive family drama. I watch it every week. I especially like it when Sally Field’s character butts in and her kids drink wine and complain about her in the linen closet, and Calista gets all doe-eyed for some handsome actor who was big in the 80’s and trips on her high heel. Do I have the right series?

#41 – Terms of Endearment – I love the kid who plays Debra Winger’s first son during his earlier years because he totallly improvs lines through the whole thing and they kept them all in the movie. Who could forget his stunning delivery on “oops I dropped my gum.” Serious chops.

#40 – Ben Hur – I’m sick of hearing about the god-damn chariot race. I mean, I know I’ll be impressed if I ever see it, but is there anything else in this film worth mentioning? Ever? Plus, the cover of the DVD box is orange and I don’t like orange.

#38 – I didn’t really get why this movie about divorce was such a big deal when I saw it as a kid. But man did I freak when the kid falls off the monkey bars with his model airpline, and the glass from the little window cuts open his eye! I could totally relate to that.


#36 – Million Dollar Baby – I think this is the first movie I went and saw with my Million Dollar Baby, who if he ever becomes a drooling, tonge-biting drain on my fun, I will totally pull the plug on. Also, this movie would have been way cooler if instead of Hilary Swank, they used Mary-Kate Olsen.

#33 – Hamlet – Shakespeare is boring

#32 – Shakespeare in Love – see 33

#30 – The Lost Weekend – This story about addiction has not really aged all that well. Drink a martini and smoke a lot of dope before you watch it. Or just drink a martini, smoke a lot of dope and watch Xanadu.

#25 – The Sting – this movie bores me. They should have put a kid who says “Oops I dropped my gum” somewhere in it. Or maybe John Lithgow pulling up to another car that also just pulled up, honking and saying with an dopey over-excited grin, “We both got here at the same time!” Anyone? Anyone?

People keep coming in and asking me about work. Fridays suck.

#24 – The Silence of the Lambs – Oscar winner or not, I don’t think I could come up with 23 films I like more than this one. Too bad they’ve sequelized it to death. The only thing left is “Kid Hannibal” on the Disney Channel.

#23 – It Happened One Night – this is one of the movies I would Netflix, look at sitting on the shelf for a week, send back, then Netflix again, and never watch. Why do I do that?

#20 – Patton – The only scene anyone ever shows is him talking in front of the great big American flag. Is there more to it? Seriously, have you ever seen another clip played when this movie is being referenced?

#19 – Unforgiven – looks great on my new 42-inch LCD.

#18 – Schindler’s List – I suppose if they didn’t put it this high, someone would start some kind of petition or something.

#16 – The French Connection – really smart action movie, gritty and real, excpet Gene Hackman’s first name is Popeye and no on ever makes a funny about it.

#15 – Amadeus – this is the first DVD I ever bought. I still haven’t opened it.

#13 – An American in Paris – I watched this for the first time the day after I watched Singin’ in the Rain for the first time and Rain is way better. The dancing and the music in Paris are amazing, and the film is gorgeous to look at, but the story sucks balls.

#12 – One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – My hygeine teacher showed us this movie in high school. I don’t know why.

#7 – The Best Years of Our Lives – Clearly a misprint, unless the judging panel was my grandma and her bingo buddies.

#6 – Marty – Ernest Bornine is way better in The Poseiden Adventure when his girlfriend who doesn’t wear panties falls off the railing into the fiery water and he screams, “Linda! Linda! My Linda! Linda Linda! Linda! uh… line? Oh yeah… LIIIIINNNNDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAA!”

#5 – Rebecca – the birth of the nefarious lesbian housekeeper.

#4 – Sunrise – Yeah, this didn’t win an Oscar for Best Picture. It won for Best Unique and Artistic Production, you idiots!

#3 – All About Eve – Shit, I still haven’t see The Godfather on here which means it’s #2 or #1

#2 – On the Waterfront – aw fuck,

#1 – The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas!

Just kidding. Yeah, it’s The Godfather This list sucks. I refuse to provide a hyperlink. Find it yourselves, fucktards. Enjoy the Oscars!

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2 Responses to “The Oscars: The Worst of the Best”

  1. In my defense I was so young at the time, like 18 or something.

    Also I am telling you watch that movie after the last decade of priest scandels and you will see that priest touching little Rodney McDowell leg in bed in a whole new light..

  2. “Gaston…..” We need a movie weekend someday soon. Close the curtains, crank up the a/c and whip out the fire hot cheez its!

    “We’ll get you another piece sweetheart.” Anyone? Anyone?

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